It’s official, kids – we’ve reached the time of year where it is a daily struggle for me to resist the urge to fling myself into oncoming traffic just to avoid suffering through any more of Winter. Between the dreary, gray weather and the horror of Valentine’s Day, February is easily the worst month of the year. This year February has brought me extra fun in the form of a car wreck, a summons for jury duty, a crazy work-travel schedule, and, judging by the sheer volume of kleenex I have used in the past 24 hours, a pretty heinous cold. THANK GOD this month is almost over.
So today I decided to do what I always do when I’m feeling down about the never-ending doldrums of Winter, I decided to start shopping for Spring. Where did I start? Duh. You should be ashamed that you even had to ask.
And once I got to the promised land, I started my perusing where any girl longing for warmer weather would – with the dresses. So what did my beloved have to offer me soothe my Winter-weary soul? Well, for starters, Anthro offered me this:
Um, no thanks. Given that I do not plan to wander barefoot through any marshes or ride any burros this Spring, I think I’ll pass on this one. But I was undeterred. And then I saw this:
I don’t think this looks like a tablecloth. I think this might be an ACTUAL tablecloth. From 1975. And I don’t understand why anyone would want to wear it. Still, every store makes some missteps every now and then. Let’s see what else Anthro has to offer:
Seriously? In what universe is a drop-waist sweatshirt dress flattering on anyone??? It’s not even flattering on the model. Comfy? I’m sure. Flattering? Not so much. And now I’m starting to get concerned:
GOOD LORD WHY??!!?? If it looks like it could have been stitched together by my ancestors on the Oregon Trail, I do not want it.
SERIOUSLY ANTHRO. DID YOU NOT HEAR ME EARLIER? I AM ON THE VERGE OF A SEASONALLY-INDUCED NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. WHY WOULD YOU TAKE AWAY ALL HOPE FOR THE FUTURE??? YOU WILL LOSE A LOT OF MONEY IF I DIE. THINK ABOUT THAT NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE TO TRY TO PASS A CHILD’S CRAFT PROJECT OFF AS A $300 DRESS!!!
That’s it. I’m done. If you need me I’ll be on my couch trying to drown out the memory of those shoulders with Nyquil and bourbon.
But what do you think?