Open shoulder tops – do we love them?

I am not a girl of many talents. I mean, there was an absolutely ZERO percent chance of me ever qualifying for the Olympics in any type of athletic event whatsoever.  And while I was a fairly proficient piano player back in the day, and I like to think my singing voice is slightly above-average, I have never been under any illusion that I might one day perform at Carnegie Hall.

But one talent I do have is the ability to remember what I and/or other people were wearing on random, non-specific days. I’m not talking about remembering what your senior prom dress looked like, or what you wore to your college graduation – that’s easy.*

*And if you forget, there are most likely pictures to remind you.

I’m talking about what I wore on the day I had my kindergarten orientation. (Pink shorts, pink and green plaid short-sleeved button-up shirt. Until I puked on them. Then I changed into an identical pair of shorts in navy and the same shirt, but white with a butterfly pattern. Until I puked on them, too. Then I stayed home and wore pajamas.)

Or what I was wearing the day I met Brown-haired Shea. (Black pencil skirt, short-sleeved blue button-up top with my tan blazer and snakeskin sling backs)

Or what I wore to Opryland on a church youth group trip in tenth grade. (Walker High School homecoming t-shirt, black with white piping Umbro shorts, my purple and green Sauconys and a black and white polka dot ribbon tied around my ponytail. That’s right kids – I have always been a fashion icon.)

Sadly I have yet to find a way to make money from this particular talent.

Now I do NOT remember what I was wearing on my first day of high school. But I DO remember what the girl (Her name was Starla. #ofcourseitwas) sitting behind me in freshman English was wearing. Probably because it looked almost exactly like this:

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Except it had flowers on it. Of course it did. Because it was 1993.

But the shirt above is not from 1993 – it’s from now. And these open shoulder tops have been popping up all over my fashion radar lately reminding me of both Starla and my youth so I thought we should take a look. Now as a broad-shouldered gal myself, I have a natural aversion to anything that makes me look even more like a linebacker than usual. Even itty-bitty Lauren Conrad looks like she could kick some ass for the Green Bay Packers when she wears one:

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So these tops automatically make me nervous, but maybe that shouldn’t always be the case. Let’s start with the potentially good, like this Ella Moss shirt:

Ella Moss Girl’s Best Friend Top – $98

Now this shirt is not horribly offensive. It’s a great color. And the overall voluminous shape is pretty cute paired with shorts or skinny jeans. But the shoulder cut-outs seem so unnecessary to me. What is their purpose? Is there a sweaty shoulder epidemic sweeping the nation? Are men everywhere eschewing boob cleavage for shoulder cleavage and no one told me?

Or how about this one:

C&C California Cold Shoulder Tee – $48

Again, good color. Otherwise cute tee. But it looks like she survived an attempted sleeve-mugging where the assailant was too weak to rip off the entire sleeve, gave up, and ran away.

Maybe this top from Equipment is better:

Equipment Nixie Open Shoulder Top – $208

Nope. It’s not. If I’m paying over $200 for a shirt, I want the entire sleeve, thankyouverymuch.

But at least that one gave us more sleeve than this monstrosity:

Marla Open Shoulder Top – $84

Seriously shirt. You can either be a camisole, or you can be a poncho. YOU CANNOT BE BOTH.

As you can probably tell, I am a firm ‘no’ on open-shoulder tops. You know who does love an open shoulder? This girl:

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But what about you???

About Shea Brakefield

Lawyer for pay. Fashion crimefighter for free. View all posts by Shea Brakefield

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